We fight every time we talk about future?

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Question

So every time I try to bring up even small things about the future with my boyfriend — like, maybe talking about moving in together someday or what we’d do if one of us got a job overseas — he shuts down or gets defensive. Last time, he said I’m ‘pressuring’ him just for asking if he sees us still together in two years. But then two days later he’s all lovey-dovey like nothing happened. I’m 28, and I can’t keep going in circles. My parents already don’t get why I’m with a non-Muslim, and they keep talking about ‘suitable matches’ at family dinners. It’s not like I want to rush into marriage, but I need to know if this is going anywhere or if he’s just… cannot make it. We’ve been together 3 years and every conversation about next steps turns into a fight. Is that normal? Or am I wasting my time?

Anonymous · Answer

ugh i’ve been there it’s so frustrating when you’re just trying to talk about life and the other person acts like you’re demanding a wedding date. i went through this with my ex — every time i brought up anything even slightly future-facing he’d clam up or say i was rushing. what finally helped was taking a step back and saying look i’m not asking for plans i just need to know we’re on the same page emotionally. i asked him one day over coffee not to fix anything but just tell me what he’s scared of and turns out he was terrified of repeating his parents’ divorce so commitment felt like a trap. once i knew that i could ease up on the questions and give him space to open up slowly. maybe try asking him when you’re both calm not about the future itself but how he feels when you bring it up — sometimes the defensiveness isn’t about you at all. and hey your parents don’t have to get it all the time your life is yours

We fight every time we talk about future?

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