What do I do if his family wants him to date someone else?

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Question

We’ve been together 4 years, long distance for the last 2 because of work… he’s in Chicago and I’m in Portland. It’s been hard but we make it work, flying back and forth every few months, late night calls, all of it. But lately he’s been distant, and after a fight last week he admitted his parents have been pushing him to go on omiai setups with women from ‘better families’ — like, his mom straight up said I’m ‘not the right fit’ because I’m not Japanese and don’t ‘understand tradition’.

He says he loves me and doesn’t want to date anyone else but keeps saying ‘family is everything’ and that he can’t just disappoint them. But he won’t set a timeline for moving in together or even visiting me more.

Last week he ghosted me for 3 days after a call where I asked if he’d been on one of the dates. When he came back he said ‘I went once but nothing happened’ — but I don’t know if I believe him.

We’re both INFJs and he’s a Cancer… I thought we were soulmates but now I feel like I’m just waiting for him to choose me while his family picks his future.

Am I the unreasonable one for wanting him to pick me?

Kwame Asante · Answer

My partner’s family wanted him to marry someone from back home in Osaka — same deal, tradition, 'proper match' and all that. It sucked, but what got us through was him choosing to have a real talk with them, not just brushing it off. He sat them down & said he loved me, full stop. Took weeks of pushing, but he did it.

You need to know where he stands — not in a fight, but calm. Ask him straight: 'Do you want to be with me, or are you gonna let them pick for you?' His answer tells you everything.

If he’s on your side, he needs to set boundaries with his parents. If he won’t, then he’s not really *with* you, even if you’re flying back & forth.

Also? Talk to someone who gets it — I found a therapist who specialized in cross-cultural relationships. Helped me stop second-guessing myself. You deserve to be chosen, not tolerated.

Family pressure’s heavy, but love that’s real doesn’t make you feel like the wrong choice. Trust that.

What do I do if his family wants him to date someone else?

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