What do I do when I meet someone who sees me?

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Question

I met this bloke at a work thing in Bristol—just a casual drinks night, y'know how it gets. We ended up talking for ages, proper conversation, not just weather & small talk. He actually listened. Months later, we had coffee. Then lunch. Now I catch myself looking at my phone too much, hoping he’s messaged. Feels daft at 42.

But here’s the rub—I’m married. Have been for 14 years. Kids, mortgage, the lot. My husband? He’s not unkind. Just…absent. Like I’ve been background noise for years. We don’t fight, we don’t talk, we definitely don’t touch. It’s like living with a flatmate who pays half the bills.

This other man, though—he makes me laugh in that way that hurts your ribs. He noticed I take sugar in my tea without me saying. Little things. I feel seen. But also, guilty as hell. Not sure if that means I should stop seeing him or if it just means I’ve been missing something I didn’t even realise was gone.

I keep thinking, is it fair to either of them? Or to me? Feels like I’m betraying everyone, including myself. Definately not proud of how far this’s got under my skin.

Priya Krishnamurti · Answer

I've been in a similiar spot myself, married for years but feeling like my partner's not really thier, like we're just going thru the motions, and then someone comes along and actually sees you, it's a pretty powerful thing. I remember I met someone at work too, we'd chat and it felt like they got me, and I found myself looking forward to thier messages, feeling alive again, but it's scary because you know it's not right, you're married and you care about your husband, even if he is absent alot of the time. What I did was take a step back, tried to seperate my feelings from the situation, and had a real honest conversation with myself about what I wanted, and I think that's what you should do too, take some time to think about what's missing in your marriage and if it's something you can work on with your husband, or if it's time to consider something else

What do I do when I meet someone who sees me?

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