why am i just the help when his friends visit?

Q: I emotionally cheated and I cannot forgive myself

This question has 2 answers from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/i-emotionally-cheated-and-i-cannot-forgive-myself

Q: I found out my partner has a dating profile — we have been together for a year

This question has 2 answers from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/i-found-out-my-partner-has-a-dating-profile-we-have-been-together-for-a-year

Q: How do you rebuild trust after your partner cheated?

This question has 2 answers from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/how-do-you-rebuild-trust-after-your-partner-cheated

Q: Can a relationship survive infidelity if both partners want it to?

This question has 1 answer from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/can-a-relationship-survive-infidelity-if-both-partners-want-it-to

Q: He promised to come back after 2 years… it's been 5

This question has 1 answer from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/he-promised-to-come-back-after-2-years-its-been-5-t2m6tz

Question

so my husband has his buddies over every friday like clockwork. i cook, clean, pour their drinks, and run around making sure everyone’s taken care of. but i’m never supposed to sit down with them. one time i tried to join the couch and he gave me this look like 'really?' and whispered 'you can sit later.' later never comes.

it’s not just annoying… it actually hurts. like i’m invisible or just part of the furniture. his friends don’t even say goodbye to me — they leave like i’m the maid. last week one of them said 'thanks for the food, man' — to my husband.

i found an old photo from college where we’re laughing at a party, both in the middle of the group. feels like a totally different life. now i’m stuck in the kitchen refilling chips while they talk about trips i wasn’t invited on…

i keep wondering — if he can treat me like staff in front of his friends, what else is he saying behind my back? and if this is normal for him… do we even have a marriage left?

am i overreacting or is this a red flag i should’ve seen before?

Omar Hassan · Answer

my ex used to do the exact same thing — his poker nights felt like i was running a damn hotel. i’d be in the kitchen refilling bowls & suddenly realize i hadn’t sat down in three hours. what finally changed? i stopped. next friday, i put my feet up on the coffee table with a glass of wine and said, 'dinner’s on the counter, help yourselves.' he panicked at first, but after two weeks of me not being 'on call,' he started pitching in.

last time his crew came over, he actually introduced me by saying, 'this is leah, who puts up with all of us.' felt weirdly huge.

try setting a hard stop — like, 'i’ll cook & hang for the first hour, then i’m on the couch.' follow through, even if it feels awkward. if he pushes back, ask him straight up why it’s weird for you to exist in your own home. it’s not nagging, it’s clarity. you’re his partner, not staff. and honestly? his friends probably don’t even realize how it looks — but they will, once you start treating yourself like you belong there.

why am i just the help when his friends visit?

Key Takeaways

1 Answer

People Also Ask

Share your experience