Why do I feel like I have to earn my family’s love?

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Question

Like I don’t know how to explain it without sounding ungrateful but it’s always in the back of my head. My parents raised me to be independent, yeah, but now even as a grown woman with a job & a flat they act like any kindness they show is conditional. If I miss a call they go quiet for days. If I don’t visit every weekend suddenly I’m ‘distant’ or ‘selfish’. Last week I drove two hours in the rain just to have dinner and my mum barely looked up from her phone. When I left she said ‘we’ll see you next week then’ like it was a test I’d passed. It’s exhausting constantly proving I care. My partner says it’s emotional manipulation but I don’t want to believe that about my own family. So why does it feel like love’s a reward instead of just… there? I’m tired of feeling like I’m one wrong move from being shut out

Marco Santos · Answer

My dad used to give me the silent treatment if I didnt call on Sundays. I’d stress all week about it, like I was keeping score just to stay in his good graces. Took me years to realize it wasnt about me at all — it was their way of feeling needed. What helped me was setting tiny boundaries without blowing up. I started texting instead of calling when I couldnt make it, just a quick hey thinking of you, no pressure. And I stopped apologizing for living my life. One time I said to my mum, I drove two hours in the rain to be here, could we at least talk for ten minutes? She was shocked, but we talked. Not perfectly, but it opened a door. Try saying something small and real like that — not to fix everything, just to be heard. And keep living your life loud. They’ll either catch up or you’ll get stronger either way.

Why do I feel like I have to earn my family’s love?

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