Are we compatible or just too busy to see we're not?

Q: My spouse wants an open marriage and I am devastated

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Q: My husband stopped talking to me after our baby was born

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Q: Is it normal to feel lonely in a marriage?

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Q: How do you keep the spark alive after 15 years of marriage?

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Q: My wife and I disagree on how to raise our kids — it is tearing us apart

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Question

me and my wife been married 2 years. both of us working full time, she in marketing, me doing admin at a mosque. we talk but it’s all logistics. like who picking up mum’s meds or if the fridge needs restocking. last time we had dinner just us was… dunno, maybe 3 months ago? got that one night we planned to watch movie at home. she fell asleep halfway i was just scrolling tiktok. we still hold hands sometimes go for kopi somewhere on sunday if no family stuff but… feels like cousins more than husband wife. used to pray together every morning now only if both free which is rare. sometimes i wonder if we even know each other. my mum keeps saying “give time, settle down takes time” but i dont feel like we building anything. just… coexisting. steady lah she says. but my heart feels empty. is this enough? or are we just too tired to see it’s not working

Oliver Bennett · Answer

My wife & I hit this same wall last year. We were like two roommates swapping chores, not even noticing how far we’d drifted till we had a blow-up over who forgot to pay the internet bill. Turns out we were both lonely, just pretending we weren’t.

What fixed it wasn’t some big gesture — we started doing 10 minutes of real talk before bed. No phones, no lists. Just ‘how’d you really feel today?’ at first. Some nights it’s awkward, yeah, but slowly it got easier.

Also stole an idea from my sister: we put ‘us time’ in the calendar like it’s a work meeting. Once a week, even if it’s just kopi at the hawker next to the mosque. We actually look at each other, no scrolling. Feels silly at first but… it works.

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing up, even when tired. We’re still learning.

Are we compatible or just too busy to see we're not?

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