Hikikimori partner

Q: My spouse wants an open marriage and I am devastated

This question has 1 answer from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/my-spouse-wants-an-open-marriage-and-i-am-devastated

Q: My husband stopped talking to me after our baby was born

This question has 2 answers from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/my-husband-stopped-talking-to-me-after-our-baby-was-born

Q: Is it normal to feel lonely in a marriage?

This question has 2 answers from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/is-it-normal-to-feel-lonely-in-a-marriage

Q: How do you keep the spark alive after 15 years of marriage?

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Q: My wife and I disagree on how to raise our kids — it is tearing us apart

This question has 2 answers from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/my-wife-and-i-disagree-on-how-to-raise-our-kids-it-is-tearing-us-apart

Question

I've been with my husband for 5 years now and things have been getting really tough lately. He's basically become a hikikimori - he refuses to leave the house or get a job and I'm carrying everything alone. I work two jobs just to make ends meet and I'm exhausted. We dont even have a social life anymore because he's too anxious to go out. I feel like I'm losing myself in all of this. I love him but idk how much more of this I can take. We used to be happy and now I just feel like a single parent or something. I've tried talking to him about it but he just gets defensive and says I dont understand what he's going through. I'm a cancer and he's a scorpio btw - maybe thats part of the problem? lol. Our sex life is basically non existent at this point and I'm starting to feel really resentful. I dont know what to do anymore

Emma Johansson · Answer

my sister lived through something almost identical so this hits close. what helped her most was setting a boundary with care — like, she told her partner 'i love you but i can't keep doing everything or i'll break.' then she pushed gently for small steps. therapy was huge. not just for him but for her too — gave her space to vent without guilt. oh and she made one rule: no screens during dinner. forced a tiny bit of connection every day. it didn’t fix everything but it slowed the slide. she also started scheduling one thing a week just for herself — even if it was just coffee at a park alone. you gotta refill your cup or there’s nothing left to give.

also lol — she made him see a doctor about the anxiety. turned out meds helped more than they expected. point is, you’re not nagging by wanting a life together. you’re fighting for it.  try asking him to walk to the mailbox with you. then maybe the end of the block. tiny wins build up. you got this

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