How do I handle my partner hating lovey talk?

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Question

So we’ve been married a year and a half and I just don’t know how to handle this. I’m not super flashy or anything, but I like to say “I love you” in little moments—like when he brings me coffee or laughs at one of my dumb jokes. But every time I say it out loud, especially in public or even around family, he gets this look like he swallowed a lemon.

Last weekend we were at my sister’s cookout and I whispered “I love you” when we were leaving. He literally flinched and said “not here, come on” like I’d said something gross. I just froze. It’s not like I’m proposing in front of everyone, you know?

He says he feels it deep down and shows it through actions, which I get—but like doesn’t he know I need the words too? I came out late and finally being able to say “I love you” to someone without fear means a lot to me. It’s not just words. It’s me saying I’m proud of us.

I don’t want to keep feeling stupid for trying to connect. How do I tell him it’s not embarrassing—it’s beautiful—without sounding needy?

Liam O'Brien · Answer

My husband used to cringe every time I said 'I love you' in front of his mom—like physically pull back a little & change the subject. Took me forever to realize it wasn’t about me at all. He grew up in a house where saying stuff like that felt awkward, almost like showing off, so it made him nervous. We talked about it after I finally asked why it felt so tense. What helped? We made a tiny code—like instead of saying it out loud I’d squeeze his hand twice and he’d squeeze back three times. Still does something in my chest every time. Try asking when he’s relaxed, not right after the flinch—maybe on a walk or driving somewhere. Say something like "Hey, I know I say it a lot, and I mean it—but can we chat about how it feels for you?" Not to fix it, just to get it. He might not even know why it bugs him. Mine still hates PDA lovey stuff but now he texts me "3 you" when he’s at work & that’s his version. Works for us. Honestly just stop whispering it around others for a bit and watch how he shows care instead—might surprise you.

How do I handle my partner hating lovey talk?

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