How do I stand up to my mother-in-law?

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Question

She is making all the decisions in my house — what to cook, when to clean, even when my husband and I can be alone. If I say anything, she gets quiet and starts crying, and then my husband turns on me, saying I’m hurting his mother’s feelings. He keeps saying she just cares, but it doesn’t feel like care. It feels heavy. suffocating. I wanted to surprise him with his favorite meal last week, and she changed the menu behind my back, saying I don’t know how to cook proper food. I is just standing there, helpless. He is not seeing it as control — just ‘respect’. But what about respect for me? I feel like a guest in my own home. When I tried talking to my sister, she said maybe I should adjust, that this is how joint families are. But I can’t keep swallowing myself like this. I miss feeling like I matter. How do I find my voice without breaking everything?

Marcus Webb · Answer

i've been in your shoes, my mom was super controlling too, always trying to one up me in front of my husband, it was infuriating, what worked for me was having a calm conversation with my husband, explaining how his mom's behavior was affecting me, and setting boundaries together, like deciding on a schedule for his mom's visits, and having some alone time just for us, also i told my husband to talk to his mom about respecting my decisions in our home, it wasn't easy but it helped, you should try talking to your husband when you're both relaxed and see if you can come up with a plan to deal with his mom together

How do I stand up to my mother-in-law?

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