How do I stop feeling guilty for ending a match?

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Question

i was set up with this guy from our community last year. family really liked him, went to all the meetings, even did the chooda ceremony. but from the start i didn’t feel it. he wasn’t rude or anything, just… i felt nothing. no spark, no comfort. i kept thinking maybe it’ll grow, you know? but after 8 months, i finally said i wasn’t ready to move forward. my parents were so upset. not yelling or anything, but that quiet disappointment. my mom said, 'we told everyone it was finalized.' like i embarrassed them. i basically wasted a year of their energy, calls, matching kundlis, talking to relatives. now i feel so guilty. but staying felt worse. i don’t want to live for other people, but how do i not feel like the ungrateful daughter? i just need to breathe. it’s very very hard when everyone sees marriage as a duty, not something for you. i don’t even know what i want anymore.

Nozomi Tanaka · Answer

happened to me too. my cousin set me up with this guy everyone called 'the one' before i’d even met him. dinners, functions, even picked out matching outfits for baraat. i smiled through it all but my chest felt tight every time we talked. 8 months in, i told my family i couldn’t do it. my dad didn’t speak to me for a week.

here’s what got me through: i wrote down exactly why i wasn’t feeling it. not just “no spark” — specifics. like how i never looked forward to his texts, or how i felt relieved when plans got canceled. showed that list to my mom. she cried, but later said she finally understood it wasn’t about disrespecting them — it was about not lying to him or myself.

you didn’t embarrass anyone by changing your mind. you saved someone from marrying a person who’s half there.  & honestly? the guilt fades. family noise too. what doesn’t fade is the weight of staying in something empty. i’d rather have quiet guilt for a month than live with that weight forever

How do I stop feeling guilty for ending a match?

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