How do I stop feeling like her therapist?

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Question

lately it feels like im more of a crisis hotline than a partner. my wife has been dealing with a lot of anxiety and i get it, i really do. but every night it's the same thing—she dumps all her stress on me, and i listen, i hold space, i reassure her, and by the time i finally want to talk about my own crap... i’m too drained. last week i had that panic attack at work and when i tried to tell her, she started crying and turned it back to her fear of abandonment. i ended up comforting her instead. idk if im just bitter or if this is actually unfair. i love her but i feel invisible when i’m falling apart. i tried bringing up couples therapy and she said she can't afford it right now. so i just sit with it. i guess im wondering—when do i get to be the one who’s held? how do i ask for that without sounding like im abandoning her

Mio Kobayashi · Answer

man, i was there last year. my partner was drowning in anxiety and i became the full-time listener, problem-solver, shoulder-to-cry-on... and i didnt even notice i was running on empty till i snapped. what changed? we set up a ‘vent time’ — 20 mins after dinner, just for her to unpack. after that, it’s a hard stop. sounds rigid, but it helped her contain it, and gave me space to breathe. also started saying, 'hey, i need to share something heavy too — can we make room for that?' at first she got shaky, but i stayed gentle. we also started seeing a couples therapist, which helped her get support that wasn’t just on me. one thing i learned: you can’t pour from an empty cup, and you’re not her therapist, even if you love her. i still sometimes forget... but now i check in with myself first. if im wiped, i say 'i care, but i cant hold this right now — can we talk tomorrow?' it feels weird at first but it’s honest. and honestly? she’s started respecting that... and even appreciates it. weird, right lol

How do I stop feeling like her therapist?

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