How do I stop my wife from checking my phone every night?

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Question

Okay so this has been going on for months and I don’t know what to do anymore. Every night before bed she grabs my phone — no asking — just takes it and starts scrolling through messages, texts, even my email sometimes. Last week she freaked out over a notification from a coworker saying “great job on the presentation” and accused me of flirting even though we’ve never talked about anything besides work. I told her I feel like I’m being spied on and she just says “If you’re not doing anything wrong then why do you care?” but that’s not the point. I care because it’s my phone and my space and it makes me feel gross like I can’t breathe. We’ve been trying to fix things after that rough patch last year when I shut down emotionally and she threatened to leave — we’re in therapy and everything’s been better but this? This feels worse. I love her but I can’t live like this. Last night I hid my phone under the couch and she cried for an hour saying I’m hiding something and now I feel like the bad guy again. I don’t want to go backwards but I can’t keep playing detective with my own life — what the hell do I do

Chloe Bennett · Answer

my wife used to do the same thing and it drove me up the wall. we had a huge fight about it after she read a text from my sister joking about how cute my barista was. lol, not exactly scandalous. what ended up helping was sitting down when we were both calm and saying, 'I love you, but this is killing my trust in us.' i showed her my phone one night and said 'go ahead, scroll through everything right now' — took like 20 mins and she got bored. after that, i asked her to name one actual thing she found that was suspicious. she couldn’t. we agreed on boundaries: no grabbing the phone, and if she’s feeling insecure, she has to say why instead of checking. it wasn’t perfect overnight, but it got better. tbh, it made us talk more about why she was so anxious in the first place. turned out it was stuff from her past relationship, not me at all.

How do I stop my wife from checking my phone every night?

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