how do i trust him after finding texts with his ex?

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Question

so i was looking for his phone to check the weather and i saw a text thread with his ex — not just a hey how are you but actual long convos going back months. when i confronted him he said it’s just friendship, that they talk about nothing important. but why hide it? my dad always says once a liar always a liar and my mom would’ve flipped if abuelo did something like this. we’ve been married 4 years and i thought we had no secrets. now every time he gets a text i wonder if it’s her. he says i’m overreacting but it feels like he’s choosing her feelings over mine. i don’t want to be that suspicious wife but i can’t unsee it. my tía told me to let it go, that men need an emotional outlet, but that never made sense to me. if he needed to talk why not me? why her. we even went to couples therapy last year to get closer and now this. i just feel so stupid

Li Xiaoyun · Answer

my husband did the same thing last year. found texts with his high school girlfriend—long ones, late at night. i didnt say anything at first, just sat with it. then one day i left my phone out and he checked it without asking. called him on it and he said he was just looking at the weather. that’s when we both knew something was off. we started therapy. not because we were broken, but because we were stuck. took me months to stop checking his phone. what helped? him texting her in front of me once, just a dumb meme about a dog. awkward as hell but it broke the tension. we set a rule—if youre gonna be friends with an ex, it’s not a secret. if it feels shady, it probably is. i still get that little twist in my gut sometimes but now i ask instead of assume.  you dont have to like it, but you gotta decide what kind of access means loyalty to you.   my dad was wrong though. people change

how do i trust him after finding texts with his ex?

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