How do you win over a stepkid who acts like you’re invisible?

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Question

so my boyfriend and i got together about a year ago. he’s divorced, has a 14-year-old daughter who stays with them every other weekend. at first she was kinda quiet but polite. then slowly she just… stopped talking to me. like full on ghosting. won’t answer when i ask how her day was. walks out of the room if i walk in.  even if im in the kitchen making dinner for everyone she’ll stand there waiting for him to get her a plate like i don’t exist.

we tried doing stuff together once—i suggested a movie night with popcorn and her favorite snacks. she showed up late, sat next to him, didn’t look at me once, and left halfway through. he says she’s just adjusting but it’s been a year. and now it’s affecting us. we’ve had a few fights about it. i’m not asking to be her best friend but i live here too. sometimes i feel like i can’t even exist in my own home.

last week we were all in the living room and i handed her a drink, said “here you go” and she just stared through me like i was air. i don’t know what i did wrong. or if i’ll ever be anything more than the woman “who took her dad away.” how do you deal with that when the kid won’t even let you try?

also we haven’t been intimate in weeks because it’s so tense all the time

Priya Sharma · Answer

my stepson did the exact same thing when we first started blending families. drove me crazy making meals and getting silence like i was a robot not a person. what finally helped was backing off and letting him come to me on his terms. instead of asking how his day was i started just leaving snacks on the counter with a silly post-it note — dumb stuff like “eat me before i go bad lol” or “you’re stuck with me now — deal with it.” he ignored them for weeks then one day he wrote back. started small. also i stopped trying to “do stuff” together. instead i’d invite him to something i was already doing — like “im watching this wild true crime doc, want in” not “lets do a fun activity.” felt less forced. he still doesnt love me and thats fine. but now he’ll grunt an answer sometimes and steals my fries when im not looking so. progress. just keep showing up dont expect a medal

How do you win over a stepkid who acts like you’re invisible?

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