Is attachment the same as love?

Q: I keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners — how do I break the pattern?

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Q: How do I stop being codependent in relationships?

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Q: How do you heal from emotional abuse when the abuser was your parent?

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Q: Learning to love myself before loving someone else — is that real advice or a cliche?

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Q: Did I leave love for excitement and mess up?

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Question

I don’t even know how to say this without crying, but I think I’m more scared of losing my partner than actually missing him if he were gone ay dios mio that sounds so bad out loud. We’ve been together 3 years, live together, share a bed, a dog, even our families treat us like we’re married—my abuela already calls him her yerno. But lately I catch myself wondering, do I love him or am I just used to him? When he travels, I panic. Not because I miss his laugh or the way he sings off-key in the kitchen, but because the apartment feels too quiet and I hate eating alone. That’s not love, right? Last week he said he needed space, just a few days, and I called him 4 times with dumb excuses because I couldn’t stand the emptiness. I keep thinking about my tía Rosa who stayed with her husband for 30 years and only realized she’d never really loved him when he passed. I don’t want that. But I also don’t know how to tell if this is love or just… fear. 💔

Folake Adeyemi · Answer

God when? I read this and just sat back, like—this was me two years ago. I was gripping onto Tunde so tight, not because my heart was jumping when he walked in, but because the thought of the routine breaking? Made me sick. We had our thing: Sundays at his mum’s, our little apartment, even the way he left his socks everywhere. It felt like love, but it was just… habit with benefits.

I started asking myself real questions: If he wasn’t there, would I grieve the man or the life we made? That one hurt, but it woke me up. I began doing small things alone—going to church on my own, eating at that diner we always went to together. At first I cried over jollof rice, but then I realised I could breathe.

Try this: spend one night apart. Not dramatic, just go to your sister’s or a hotel. Sit with the silence. If what you feel is relief or emptiness, that’s your answer. If it’s grief that cuts deep, that’s love.

This life sha, attachment wears love’s clothes sometimes. But God knows the difference. I do now ❤️

Is attachment the same as love?

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