Is it normal we fight about the future?

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Question

Okay look. Every time I try to talk about what comes next — kids, where we live, even just next year — it turns into a fight. I say, 'Imagine us in Marseille with a little one running around,' and Claudine goes cold. Like, actually silent. Then she says I'm pressuring her, that I don't respect her pace. Me? Pressure? I'm from the south, I wear my heart on fire — that’s how we are. She’s all 'we need to think logically,' 'emotions don’t plan pensions.' Fine. But love is not love without passion, and if we can’t dream together, what are we doing? Last night I said maybe we should see someone, a therapist, and she laughed. Not mean, but like I suggested we move to the moon. 'People don’t do that here,' she said. Well, her people don’t. My mother would’ve slapped my father if he didn’t fight for her. It’s complicated, as these things are. But I’m starting to wonder — is this just how couples are? Or are we breaking slowly without noticing?

Hanna Lysenko · Answer

My partner used to shut down the same way when I brought up the future like I was attacking her just for wanting more.  we fought for months until I realized I was painting these big, dreamy pictures like they were already real— kinda like you did with Marseille and the kid running around. I thought I was being romantic but she felt backed into a corner. So I started asking questions instead of making statements. Like 'what does your ideal life look like in five years?' or 'is having kids something you want ever or just not sure?' gave her room to breathe. and I learned to slow my roll. still wore my heart on fire but learned to speak in questions not declarations. also helped when I admitted I get scared of losing her so I push — naming that took the heat off her. try stepping back from the script you’re both stuck in. next time say something plain like 'i get excited about us but i don’t want you feeling pushed. can we just talk about what you need in the convo?' works better than you’d think

Is it normal we fight about the future?

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