Married my cousin, now I don’t even know him

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Question

We got married fast, straight from the engagement, because anything else would’ve brought shame on both families. My mom kept saying 'what will people think?' and I just… went along with it. We barely spent time alone before the wedding. Now we’re living together in Marseille and it’s like I’m sharing a home with a stranger. He’s not abusive or anything, but we don’t talk. Like, really talk. He prays, works, comes home, watches TV. I try to make conversation and he just says 'everything’s fine' and changes the subject. I thought I’d feel safer being married, but I’ve never felt more alone. I can’t tell my parents how I feel — they’d say I’m being ungrateful. He’s not a bad guy, yani… but I don’t even know who he is. And I’m starting to wonder if I even know who I am anymore.

Wang Fang · Answer

my cousin marriage lasted 3 years before i left. same thing — quiet man, polite but gone. we were just roommates with matching rings. took me forever to admit the problem, 'cause everyone said 'be grateful, you're safe, fed, not beaten'. but loneliness like that? it eats you alive.

i started small. wrote down one question every morning: 'what did you eat for lunch?' 'did it rain near your office?' dumb stuff. slipped it under his door. one day he answered. then another. not magic, but it broke the ice.

you’re not lazy or ungrateful for needing more. try texting him something dumb while he’s in the next room. ask about a show he watches. if he doesn’t bite, write how you feel in a notebook. just for you. keeps you from drowning. my mom called me selfish too, but i’d rather be selfish than sad forever. Marseille’s got cafes, buses, streets — go walk them alone if he won’t walk with you. your life’s still yours.

Married my cousin, now I don’t even know him

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