She cries every time I set a boundary, then I cave

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Question

Every time I try to say no to something—like visiting her parents again on weekends or not checking her phone—she bursts into tears. Like full-on sobbing, can't breathe, says I don’t love her anymore. Last week I told her I needed space to think after a fight, and she locked herself in the bathroom. I ended up saying sorry just to stop the crying, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s exhausting. I grew up hearing 'don’t cause conflict'—since our society values harmony so much—but this feels different. I’m scared if I keep giving in, I’ll just disappear. And her family already thinks I’m not good enough for her (Skype grad, not Seoul National), so I feel like I have to prove I’m trying. But trying at what cost? I don’t want to be one of those guys who loses himself, but I also can’t stand seeing her so broken every time I speak up. What do I do when setting a boundary feels like breaking her?

Allan Matias · Answer

I been there. my ex would cry every time i said no to something, like it was a personal attack. i kept saying yes just to keep peace, but it built up until i was so resentful. what changed? i finally sat her down and said — not when she was crying, but after, when we were both calm — that i love her, but me always giving in? that's not love, that's fear. i told her i need to speak too, even if it’s messy. it’s super hard because we’re raised to avoid conflict at all cost, especially if you're from a place where family and feelings are everything. but real respect means both voices matter. set the boundary when you're both calm, not in the middle of tears. say it gently, but don’t bend. if she locks herself again, give her space, but don’t apologize for existing. you’re not heartless — you’re trying to be honest. that counts na.

She cries every time I set a boundary, then I cave

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