Should I give up my career for his parents?

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Question

we’ve been together 3 years & he just dropped this on me last week — wants me to quit my job & move to his hometown to take care of his parents. says it’s filial piety & that if i really love him, i’ll do it. i’m 29, finally building my career in graphic design, & honestly… i feel gutted.

his parents live 4 hrs away, don’t speak english well, & i barely know them. he says they’re getting older & “it’s my duty now.” but it’s not my family, you know? i care about him, but this feels like a bridge too far.

i tried talking about alternatives — hiring a helper, visiting more, paying for support — but he won’t budge. says no one can care like family. i get it, kinda, but why me? why does it have to be me giving up everything?

i love him, but i don’t know if i can lose myself like that. am i being selfish? or is this a red flag?

we’re both avoidant, honestly, so we never fight but we also never resolve stuff. now i’m just sitting here feeling stuck & scared to even bring it up again.

Grace Mwangi · Answer

my sister married a guy who asked the same thing — moved across the country to care for his parents, quit her nursing job. three years later, she was burnt out & resentful, & so was he. it never gets easier if you’re giving up something that matters that much to you.

i get filial piety, truly. but love shouldn’t mean vanishing your own life. when he says 'if you really love me,' that’s pressure, not partnership.

i’d sit down & ask him: what if we hire help? what if we split time? my cousin’s mom needed care — they set up a rotation with a neighbor & a part-time aide. it wasn’t perfect but it worked.

also — 4 hours away with no support network? that’s isolating. i’ve been there, helping with family stuff solo, & it wears you down.

you don’t have to choose between him & your career. you can love him & still say: i can’t do this alone. if he really sees you, he’ll figure it out with you & not just hand you the burden.

Should I give up my career for his parents?

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