Why do I keep expecting people to leave?

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Question

I grew up with both parents overseas. From as early as I can remember, it was just me and my lola. They’d call every Sunday, send money, bring gifts when they visited every two or three years... but they weren’t really *there*. Now that I’m in a relationship, every time my partner says they’re stressed or busy, something inside me just... shuts down. Like, okay, here it comes. They’re gonna disappear too.

Last week, my girlfriend had to cancel our plans because her mom got sick. I told her it’s fine, no pressure... but inside, I started pulling away. Stopped initiating texts. Told myself, 'Di naman magtatagal, iiwan din ako.' Even when she’s not going anywhere, I act like she already did.

She noticed. Asked if I still cared. Yes po, I said, but I couldn’t explain why I go quiet. It’s like I’m scared to need someone too much. Like love is temporary unless proven otherwise... and I keep waiting for the proof that it’s over.

How do I stop bracing for the exit?

Noah Williams · Answer

My dad left when I was six and it took me years to realize I was still waiting for everyone else to bail too. Like yeah, your parents showed up in their way but you needed them *there* and they weren’t. That sticks. I used to freeze up whenever my partner traveled for work—total shutdown. What helped me? I started saying out loud what I was scared of instead of acting on it. Last month I told my boyfriend ‘hey I know you’re just going to the store but part of me’s already bracing for you to ghost’—we laughed but it was real. Try texting your girlfriend next time: ‘I know your mom’s sick and you’re busy but I’m feeling shaky like you’re gonna disappear’. Not to guilt her just to name it. When you voice the fear it loses some power. Also—write down when she *does* show up. Humans remember the hurts more than the follow-throughs.

Why do I keep expecting people to leave?

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